You know how sometimes people want a situation to go a certain way, so then they just deny anything that would prove that it'd turn out differently than they hoped? I think I do almost the opposite. I start to deny that things would ever go the way I want; I guess it's a defense mechanism. It's such a strange juxtaposition of thought, to crave something at the same time you're convincing yourself it'll never be yours. I always seem to end up contradicting myself when it comes to things like this.

I don't know what it is that you're looking for, but maybe it could be me, for a little while. Not that you'd need to look for me, I've been here for a while now... What I'm looking for is pretty simple, at least. I feel like maybe I found it, in you, but who knows? I won't pretend it's not what I'm hoping for, because I do try to be very honest. I know it probably won't amount to anything. That's what I tell myself at night, when it's late and everyone else I know is asleep, or busy, and I lie awake in the dark thinking. My mind drifts, then shoots off in random directions, wondering what it meant when you did this, or said that...

I do wish we could talk more, in person. I guess that wouldn't work out too well though. You may not notice, but my awkwardness is painfully obvious to me. Maybe you do notice. I just can't be sure. I like being around you though, even if it makes me clumsy when I want to be smooth, or puts me at a loss for words when I wish I had just the right thing to say. Even though my friends tell me I'm the outgoing one, I know I'm too shy to ask you about things I want to know. I'm not usually like this, but I feel like I have to handle this whole situation with the utmost care. There's so many ways this could end badly; I have to admit that it scares me... That's the reason I hesitate, and stumble, and think twice before ultimately deciding against the risk. My friends are basically all I have for myself, and I fear what one wrong move might cost me.

I wish I knew what you were thinking sometimes.

So, now that I have some semblance of reason to be on here semi-frequently, I might as well put this place to use. This can be my uncensored freewrite spot... the stuff I can't post on dA or xanga because too many people would read it and maybe get hurt or angry. It's LiveJournal, so... classic emo angsty stuff is sure to come. =P  Or whatever my mood happens to be when I freewrite.

Also, don't expect it all to make sense. The things I've learned in English over the years doesn't necessarily apply. No good transitional stuff, paragraphs are optional, fragments might pop up. I don't even really know whether I'll feel obligated to capitalize all the time.

Another post later, maybe.